The Dream. . . Again

Posted: 2014/02/03 in Uncategorized

Disclaimer: This blog entry may be uncomfortably or annoyingly self-reflective. If you do not want a glimpse inside my head, get out now.

Once again, The Dream—not quite a nightmare but the kind that leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling, a bit like having eaten a little too much of my grandmother’s oyster dressing during Thanksgiving dinner only to find out that the oysters were well past their “use by” date. The Dream always starts with a conundrum: I am at the end of my seminary training and I am taking a class that has no apparent connection to anything else in seminary. It is almost always an English or literature class, which is never quite specified. There are about two weeks left before the class’ major project is due, but I have not attended class, read any of the assigned material, or started on a project that requires months of work. My only recourse is to hand nothing in and, effectively, drop the class. My subconscious nausea comes from the anxiety I have that by doing so I will not have enough hours to complete my M-Div and thus my ordination will be disqualified (how I became ordained before finishing seminary is a mystery).

I suppose a Freudian psychotherapist might find something in The Dream about sex. I am pretty sure the The Dream has nothing to do with sex. Moreover, it occurs only when I feel that I am not getting things done in a timely fashion. If it is triggered only when I am busy and struggling to get things done, then I will be happy to let it go.

More intriguing, though, is the doubt I have within The Dream that my qualifications and credentials for ministry are real and valid. This is, I suppose, a reflection of my waking life as a high-functioning self-doubter (I wonder if such a diagnosis is in the DSM?). I often feel I am not very good at whatever I am doing until someone gets in my face and tells me otherwise, and then I doubt that I believe them.

In fact, I suspect that all I have written here is gibberish. Well. . . if it helps banish The Dream, it is worth the waste of electrons and bandwidth.


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